1. Is the introduction engaging to the audience?
2. Are all my reasons valid?
3. Is there enough evidence to support my reasons?
4. Is the conclusion convincing and does it do a good job at wrapping up the argument?
5. Are all the sources cited properly? (In-text citations as well as Works Cited)
Emma,
ReplyDeleteLet me start by saying that I am impressed on how many hits your blog has. (way more than mine!) Your thesis statement is strong and really shows your stance on this controversial issue in society and in the field of theme parks. Your body paragraphs have great research that help give your opinion. Your grammar seems pretty solid and I like your steady flow of your writing. Really stress your solution and make me be convinced by the time I'm finished that you are an expert on this issue. Good luck
--Joseph Schiavo
I thought your introduction was catchy and fit in well with the rest of your paper. The only thing I would say is to be more specific. What kind of hairstyles were they wearing? What exactly is an all-American look? Throughout the paper you attempt to explain what guidelines are put into place at these theme parks but I feel you are just “telling.” What types of hair styles are appropriate? What are the restrictions on nails and piercings? I think this would help the readers get a better idea of exactly the look theme parks discriminate against. I was confused as to what sentence was your thesis statement. The two I was between was, “It is in the theme parks best interest to revise the guidelines so that more highly qualified employees could be hired,” and “To increase the amount of workers who stay with the company and to decrease the amount of time and money spent on training new employees, the theme parks should revise their guidelines.” I felt that there could have been multiple problems you are explaining throughout your paper. Are you trying to prove that the employees would be happier, that it would help the environment, that more workers would stay with that company or to hire more qualified workers? I understood that the solutions to all of these problems is to eliminate the guidelines and you did a good job of stating how you think it would help but I want to know if there is any evidence to back it up. I like that you put previous employees’ quotes into your paper. I think it helped your credibility and showed from their point of view what is going on. I thought your conclusion did a really good job of summarizing the essay. I liked how it referred back to your introduction. Overall I did feel that it was a good essay but a few things could be done to make it clearer and more persuasive.
ReplyDelete~Erica Kevern